60,000 milligrams earlier i hadnt known what to expect. 60,000 milligrams earlier i had been in the student center in the Towers pricing bottles of asprin and walking out with a bottle of 100 500mg asprin (to combine with the 30 i had left in my dorm room), a bottle of water, one of the ones with those pinkish mountains on it, and an uncle ben's chicken teriyaki minibowl. (in my 17 year old mind, i assumed it would ensure everything would stay down and there would be no vomiting, only the peaceful obvilion of failure) I sat at my desk taking pill after pill, not only my recent purchases, but anything that was in my sight, from leftover antiboitics, to anything potentially potent. Praying all the while that there was a god up in a heaven who would take me in and make me whole... fill up the emptiness that had built its self a permenant home inside of me.. make me better, when i was just never really enough.
"better," I thought, "is not having to take this death banquet.. Better, would be already dead. Dying silently, quickly, painlessly, without fear.."
Now my mind had turned fuzzy and the pain was worse but better, than anything i had ever felt. I had taken my pills because i couldnt cope with the pain that was breaking my soul into glass-like shards that were hurting me from the inside out. Those who havent experienced a similar pain, may have called my decision cowardice, though, they are ignorant of my life, my memories, my emptiness.
Now I cannot bear the pain in my body. I wanted only the consequence of death, and its silence and relief, not the pain along with it. An agony had taken over my body, the asprin had desolved and there was no going back.
I could no longer see, or hear. the effort it took to breath was too much to expend. My heart was beating faster and faster, that i almost felt like it was only 1 beat that kept going forever... squeezing me and taking me with it. i knew i was dying, but the pain was starting to make me hysterical. The realization that no one would ever know what had been the source of all of my only vaguely mentioned anger and pain... The realization that there was no time, and they were free, in a completely different way than my death would bring me.. and my death would only free them completely.
I lay in a pond of sweat on my floor. My clothes long since soaked thru, and at the point where I tried to stand my stomache lost the ability to hold in the acid that was destroying it. After the dry heaving started there was little else I could think of, other than the complete horror and fear of what wasnt going as planned, and then a fuzzy but empty floating but horrible burning blackness.